Our wise and benevolent government and our kinder and gentler President, George Bush, have declared war on drugs. Their program includes more prisons, money, and testing. But more, much more is needed.
President Bush should declare a state of emergency and suspend the Constitution for the duration of this crisis. We don't really need all those Constitutional rights, anyway. The Germans in the 1930's and 40's got along just fine without them. So do the Russians and the Chinese.
Drugs were not a problem in Germany and are not a problem in Russia and China because the penalty for drug dealing or use is typically death.
We must all realize that our leaders know better than we what is good for us, and we must let them do our thinking for us and decide what we should be allowed to have or use.
With the Constitution suspended, our government will be able to more effectively combat drug abuse. Of course, a few bleeding-heart-type liberals might object to the suspension, but they could be rounded up and shot.
The war against drugs will begin by instituting mandatory drug testing of all Americans. Anyone who tests positive will be shipped to a detention center and gassed.
Since drugs are such a threat to our youth, all our children will be body-searched. Any youngsters found with drugs will be garroted on the spot as an example to other children.
This will have two benefits: First drug use among children will be choked out; and second, there will be less overcrowding of classrooms.
The property of all drug subversives will be confiscated, sold, and the proceeds used to defray the costs of fighting drug abuse.
Ensuring a drug-free America requires the eradication of illegal drug crops, processing centres, and labs wherever they may be found. Within our beloved borders, toxic and radioactive wastes from sources such as Three Mile Island, Love Canal, or Chernobyl will be dumped on any area where drug crops are grown or processed.
This will not only growing of illicit plants unlikely, but help such wastes be put to good use. After we have a drug-free land, our kinder and gentler government could continue the program in other countries by nuking their drug crops, processing centers, and labs.
That is necessary to prevent us weak-willed Americans from being tempted by imported drugs. That would also put American nuclear weaponry to good use. It is the duty of all decent Americans to crush illegal drug use-even if it means renouncing our civil rights and liberties. It's a small price to pay for a drug-free American.
Warning: this essay contains Swiftian Analytical Logic Elements (SALEs). Readers who are deficient in SALEs acumen may be offended.
Reader indiscretion is not advised.
This essay is for entertainment only.
It has not been evaluated by any Federal agency, nor is it intended to diagnose, prevent, treat, or cure any condition.
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