Wednesday, November 18, 2009

MacJoke, May 2000

A computer savvy Mack driver
Booted up his Mac computer
Listened to ‘Mack the Knife’,
While he danced the Macarena
Got a Mac Attack
So had some macaroons
Then, macaroni and cheese
Felt so bad after all these cheesy jokes
He killed himself with his Mac 10 

Monday, November 16, 2009

The 1993 Adelanto Children’s Crusade

They waited, row after rainbow-hued row, looking like futuristic knights, in their riding gear, under a camouflage-patterned desert sky with black, grey, and white clouds, as a brisk breeze blew away the dirty white smoke that plumed from the exhaust pipes of their machines.

Amid the snarls of engines warming up, two yellow-helmeted racers on white Yamahas at the end of the front row held a hasty shouted conference.  Their hands sketched in the air the turns and twists of the race course ahead.  They appeared to be ten to twelve years old.

In the middle of the row, an eleven-year-old rider on a yellow Suzuki adjusted a strap on her white shoulder-padded skeletal chest-and-back protector.  She rubbed a red-gloved hand along her white-and-red Cordora pants tucked into mid-calf-high riding boots.   She wore a long-sleeved red jersey under her armour.  Her shiny brown hair flowed from under her white-and-red helmet down to the middle of her chest and back.

The warriors turned their eyes to the starting banner, an orange cloth rectangle with the words ‘Desert Vipers’ printed in black block letters on it.  A pair of burly clean-shaven club members wearing bright orange windbreakers, red t-shirts, and red baseball caps held the banner aloft with two poles.

The banner fell forward.  The row of riders roared down the town street like greyhounds chasing a rabbit.  Around the first corner they ripped, racing out to the shrubbed desert.

One row at a time, the rest of the platoon followed.  One fellow’s red Honda reared up on its back wheel.  He flung his body over the handlebar, easing off of the throttle.  The bike trembled for just a second.  The front wheel came down and the racer sped on his way.

A yellow-helmeted warrior with green elbow pads stood on the foot pegs of a white Yamaha with a red seat as he raced over an elevated dirt-and-wood bridge with orange guardrails.  A white-and-red helmeted knight riding a black-seated Suzuki followed hot on the Yamaha’s wheel.  Bikes and riders flew off the end of the bridge, landing just beyond the bottom of its ramp.

Yammy zipped over a trio of small hills, soared off the last one, and slammed to earth on his front wheel.  Right behind, Suzi sailed over all three berms and hit the dirt on her rear wheel. 

Handlebar to handlebar, both bikes zoomed through a wide right-handed curve, their masters extending onto the dirt track booted right feet.  

A roostertail of dirt followed Suzi as she roared past Yammy along a straightaway.

The sharp oily odor of exhaust smoke mingled with the mellow smell of freshly turned soil as the combatants snaked through an ess, leaning their mounts deep into the curves.

Straightening out, they jammed through the tunnel under the bridge.  The riders abruptly slowed and putted through a chute of hay bales to the start line for another go-around.

This is fact-based fiction.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Subversive Degenerate Drug Fiends Circumvent Drug Testing 1987.04.24

There is a scourge upon this land of ours, a major threat to the American way of life, a most dangerous menace to the domestic tranquility of our beloved Republic. I am referring to the monumental struggle between the upright members of our communities and the degenerate drug fiends who wish to live their lives unfettered by the multitude of regulations essential to the imposition of an ordered society. Attempts to control the dope fiends have led, among other things, to the development to drug tests in order to detect them. The dope addicts have, in return, devised methods of camouflaging or even obliterating evidence of their habits.
Our wise and benevolent government, led by such upstanding leaders as Nancy Reagan and Edwin Meese, has proposed testing all Americans for drug use. But the courts have blocked efforts by the government to test at random, citing something called the Fourth and Fifth Amendments of the U S Constitution. So the all-knowing corporations, which are not bound by such constraints, must step in to make all Americans conform to the desires of our betters, in order for us to remain free from choice. Dope fiends and other subversives oppose efforts by the Establishment to test for drug use on the grounds that first, personal use of the job is no one’s business; second, drug screens are prone to false positives, up to 60% in some cases; and third drug screens indicate usage, but do not measure impairment. Of course, all right-thinking Americans understand that, first, no one has a right to privacy; second, in the war against free choice, some sacrifices are necessary, so if some people are mistakenly identified as drug users, they can take consolation in the fact that progress is being made in the fight to eradicate drug use, besides, anyone who test positive in a drug test is probably a subversive any way and should be terminated; and third, it does not matter whether a drug user is impaired or not, the important consideration is the use of drugs.
This report will list some of the drug tests available to drug testers. Then methods used to beat drug screens will be discussed.
Currently, catching drug users involves a drug screen, the first step of which is the collection of urine. If the collected sample tests positive, a comprehensive test is used to confirm the suspect’s usage of drugs. Generally, the drug screens are easier to beat than the comprehensive tests. If the sample tests negative, no additional test is done.
The various drug tests available to the guardians of decency and morality include different types of thin-layer chromatography (TLC), enzyme immunoassay (EIA), radioimmunoassay (RIA), and computer-assisted gas-chromatography/mass-spectrometry (GS/MS). The first two are more often used as drug screens, the latter two as comprehensive tests.
In order to avoid being caught, dope fiends may use various methods to circumvent the testing process. These include substitution, contamination, dilution, and cleansing.
Drug addicts may substitute clean urine for their own. This is very effective if the collection process is not closely monitored. Frequently, a subversive will use a collection bag, easily obtained at any medical supply source. The bag is hidden, sometimes under an armpit, where it can be squeezed at the right time, with the hose strategically positioned and secured in place. Underwear which will obscure the viewing of the collection of the sample is worn. The drug addicts will often practice using this method before taking the drug test. This method can be combated by surprise collection or by requiring the removal of clothing prior to sample collection.
A drug fiend may contaminate the sample after or even during collection. Sometimes, an acid or alkali will be added to the urine sample by means of a medicine dropper or hypodermic syringe. However, if the PH of the sample is checked prior to testing the contamination might become obvious. Another method of contamination is the addition of table salt. This method can cause the sample to register negative. An alternative method is to use a saline solution. Salt contamination is almost impossible to detect. Dope fiends have been caught when they added too much salt to their sample because the salt that does not dissolve sinks to the bottom of the collection vessel and becomes visible. Again, many experienced subversives practice prior to utilizing contamination methods.
Some dope fiends drink large quantities of liquids such as water, fruit juice, Kool-Aid, apple juice, vinegar, or alcoholic beverages. Water and fruit juices not only dilute the urine, they also acidify it to the point that the excretion of THC metabolites is reduced extensively. Vinegar also acidifies urine. In fact, some subversives will drink four to eight ounces daily. Large scale consumption of alcoholic beverages not only dilutes urine, but also allegedly cleanses the excretory system of all traces of outlawed substances. All of the above methods result in increased urine output. Additionally, the alcohol method causes many subversives to suffer liver and brain damage resulting from extensive alcohol consumption. Serves them right, too.
A few dope fiends use something called Golden Seal Root, available in many health food stores, themselves hotspots of subversion. A half teaspoon of this stuff is boiled in one pint of water. The dopers drink about a cup a day for a week, and then break for another week before repeating the process. Urine excreted by someone on this regimen will generally test negative for the presence of THC. Some users experience digestive or nervous upsets, or both.
As the war to replace freedom of choice with freedom from choice continues, more tests will be needed and developed. But drug fiends will be discovering methods to beat those tests. So, more reports will be written and made available. Until then, remember:
Decent Americans, Teach Every
Responsible American Patriotic Endeavors!

Warning: this essay contains Swiftian Analytical Logic Elements (SALEs).  Readers who are deficient in SALEs acumen may be offended. 
Reader indiscretion is not advised. 
This essay is for entertainment only. 
It has not been evaluated by any Federal agency, nor is it intended to diagnose, prevent, treat, or cure any condition.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Six Boys and Thirteen Hands Propaganda Essay, 3.18.2009

Six Boys Thirteen Hands Propaganda.3.18.2009

This refers to:

This is a lovely well written bit of pro-State propaganda, by Michael Powell, at around 2000, or so. I checked Snopes at I found this story at Truth or Fiction: : Both accounts that I saw included the observation that the last few paragraphs of this piece were included after Powell wrote it.

A photographer, Joe Rosenthal, reportedly photographed the second raising of a Flag on a mountain five days into a thirty-five day battle. This picture lead to the sculpting of the USMC War Memorial idolized in “Six Boys”. The “Flag” picture was actually a propaganda effort. See here: for information on the battle, here for the taking of the “Flag” picture
and here for the making of the statue:

“Six Boys and Thirteen Hands”(Six Boys) is corrupt. The underlying premise to this piece is that your life belongs to someone else, that you have an obligation to serve nonentities called by such names as “faith,” “family,” or “fatherland”.

You don’t need someone to fight on your behalf at everyone’s expense. You can defend your self. You can delegate your defense at your expense to a willing agent. You have the right to decide whether to use lethal or non-lethal reaction to aggressive action directed against you. You do not have the right to inflict collateral damage, that is, casualties on noncombatants.

You owe nothing to a metaphysical nonentity. Nor do you owe a duty to someone or something, just because you are alive.

What is freedom for which so many “lay down their lives?” Here is a definition of freedom:
· "Freedom in its most elemental state is the power to withdraw one's consent when the State-or anyone else-lays an improper claim to one's life or property." -Will Grigg Reflections on Resurrection Sunday: We're Commanded to be Free ProLiberate 3.23.2008

In a Utopian world, our agendas would all be compatible. In the real world, we often have partially-or even totally- incompatible agendas. Some of us try to resolve differences through negotiation. Some of us use force, -or threaten to use force –to authorize us to seize what we want. Some of us support one or the other.

The core of this paean to sacrifice is that some 7,000 men died to secure an island of negligible value in the name of securing the freedoms of “the People,” residents of a nation-state.

And this inconsequential event was promoted as a monumental battle for the greater good of the citizens of a nation-state. Many folks saw the flag raising as the climax of the Iwo Jima battle, when in fact, it was just a stunt to elevate the morale of government employees and their family members and friends.

The most pernicious part of “Six Boys” is that there is really no point to Bradley’s remarks. It’s just a collection of words meant to make readers experience emotive reactions in support for government employees.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Biking Magic 1992.11.20

Magic. This word can help you ride your bike on the street or in the dirt by using five easy tricks.

The first trick is to “Move your eyes.” When riding, don’t stare at one place, even if you should see a unicorn. Instead, look over your shoulder, to your right, to your left, or just in front of yourself.

When you move your eyes, you also must “Always look ahead,” your second trick. Try to see what’s way in front of you as you ride. Watch for a car pulling out of a driveway a block ahead of you, for example. Or if you’re riding on a trail, look for fallen trees, or fallen giants for that matter.

If you always look ahead, you will “Get the whole scene.” This third trick lets you check out what’s going on across the street from where you will be in a minute, or that hot-dogger who doesn’t seem to be paying attention to where he’s going on your side of the trail.

By getting the whole scene, you will be able to use the fourth trick, “Imagine your escape.” Think about where you will go if that hot-dogger wipes out in front of you, and turns into a tree. Where will you go if a car pulls out of a driveway right in your way? Will you be able to stop in time to avoid hitting the rider or the car? Leave a way out for you to go.

When you have imagined your escape, you’re ready to “Connect with ‘em,” your fifth and last magic trick. Wave at drivers who might be about to turn into your path; if possible, make eye contact with them. Wear brightly-colored clothing. Have reflectors on your bike. Make sure other people, and low-flying pegasii, know you’re around so they don’t crash into you.

Move your eyes. Always look ahead. Get the whole scene. Imagine your escape. Connect with ‘em. By using these five tricks, you can enjoy years of riding your bike without crashing. Remembering the tricks is easy. The first letters of the tricks spell magic.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Ten ways to make sure you're a helpless victim 12.13.1989

Achieving an education at Mission College can be challenging and fun, even though you may have some high anxiety about grades and test results.

But for sheer excitement, nothing quite beats being assaulted or ripped off. If getting mugged makes you orgasmic, following these suggestions ought to keep you in ecstasy:
1) Walk alone. Thugs just love people who travel by themselves. It's a lot easier to attack just one person than two or more.
2) Be totally unaware of what's going on around you. If you're oblivious to potential trouble, you can be caught by surprise and hurt/robbed before you even realise what's happening.
3) Walk hesitantly, in short starts and stops, leaping and twitching at every little noise. Walking like a victim helps your chances of becoming one.
4) At night, stay off lighted, well-traveled streets, and park as far away as possible from your classrooms and from other students' cars. Take short-cuts down dark alleys and streets as you walk to and from class. Who knows, maybe there's a bad guy lurking in the shadows, just waiting for the chance to pounce on you. Oh, the excitement of it all!
5) When going to your car, keep the keys safe in a difficult-to-reach pocket or buried deeply in a huge purse. Fumbling for keys at a car door allows a mugger or rapist more time to move in on you, his intended target.
6) Before you enter your car, don't bother looking into it to check that no one is hiding in back, just drooling at the thought of your presence. Surprises are such fun, aren't they?
7) Always wear tight clothing that restricts free movement. You don't wan to get away; you want the bogeyman to catch you, right?

And if you're ripe for the raging that results from a roaring ripoff, just follow these easy steps and you too can be a loser:
8) Leave your belongings unattended. Whoever steals them probably needs them more than you do, anyway.
9) Don't bother marking your valuables, including books, car stereo equipment, and car battery, with your name, social-security number or other identification. Otherwise, how can you achieve that overwhelming feeling of helplessness if you get your stolen stuff back?
10) When parking, leave your car doors and hood unlocked to make stealing from you a breeze. While you're at it, go ahead and leave your car keys in the ignition. Then a thief can take your whole car. Just think of the thrill of not having to fumble for your keys, and being alone a on a dark, little-traveled street.

If after following these steps, you do get pounded or robbed, don't call the Campus Police at 365-8271, extension 311, or 911 for other law-enforcement agencies. Just clean up the mess in your car and all over your body-that is, if either your car or your body still exists- and get on with your life.

After all, you got the tingling excitement you were lusting for, didn't you?

Warning: this essay contains Swiftian Analytical Logic Elements (SALEs).  Readers who are deficient in SALEs acumen may be offended. 
Reader indiscretion is not advised. 
This essay is for entertainment only. 
It has not been evaluated by any Federal agency, nor is it intended to diagnose, prevent, treat, or cure any condition.