Thursday, February 19, 2009

Biking Magic 1992.11.20

Magic. This word can help you ride your bike on the street or in the dirt by using five easy tricks.

The first trick is to “Move your eyes.” When riding, don’t stare at one place, even if you should see a unicorn. Instead, look over your shoulder, to your right, to your left, or just in front of yourself.

When you move your eyes, you also must “Always look ahead,” your second trick. Try to see what’s way in front of you as you ride. Watch for a car pulling out of a driveway a block ahead of you, for example. Or if you’re riding on a trail, look for fallen trees, or fallen giants for that matter.

If you always look ahead, you will “Get the whole scene.” This third trick lets you check out what’s going on across the street from where you will be in a minute, or that hot-dogger who doesn’t seem to be paying attention to where he’s going on your side of the trail.

By getting the whole scene, you will be able to use the fourth trick, “Imagine your escape.” Think about where you will go if that hot-dogger wipes out in front of you, and turns into a tree. Where will you go if a car pulls out of a driveway right in your way? Will you be able to stop in time to avoid hitting the rider or the car? Leave a way out for you to go.

When you have imagined your escape, you’re ready to “Connect with ‘em,” your fifth and last magic trick. Wave at drivers who might be about to turn into your path; if possible, make eye contact with them. Wear brightly-colored clothing. Have reflectors on your bike. Make sure other people, and low-flying pegasii, know you’re around so they don’t crash into you.

Move your eyes. Always look ahead. Get the whole scene. Imagine your escape. Connect with ‘em. By using these five tricks, you can enjoy years of riding your bike without crashing. Remembering the tricks is easy. The first letters of the tricks spell magic.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Ten ways to make sure you're a helpless victim 12.13.1989

Achieving an education at Mission College can be challenging and fun, even though you may have some high anxiety about grades and test results.

But for sheer excitement, nothing quite beats being assaulted or ripped off. If getting mugged makes you orgasmic, following these suggestions ought to keep you in ecstasy:
1) Walk alone. Thugs just love people who travel by themselves. It's a lot easier to attack just one person than two or more.
2) Be totally unaware of what's going on around you. If you're oblivious to potential trouble, you can be caught by surprise and hurt/robbed before you even realise what's happening.
3) Walk hesitantly, in short starts and stops, leaping and twitching at every little noise. Walking like a victim helps your chances of becoming one.
4) At night, stay off lighted, well-traveled streets, and park as far away as possible from your classrooms and from other students' cars. Take short-cuts down dark alleys and streets as you walk to and from class. Who knows, maybe there's a bad guy lurking in the shadows, just waiting for the chance to pounce on you. Oh, the excitement of it all!
5) When going to your car, keep the keys safe in a difficult-to-reach pocket or buried deeply in a huge purse. Fumbling for keys at a car door allows a mugger or rapist more time to move in on you, his intended target.
6) Before you enter your car, don't bother looking into it to check that no one is hiding in back, just drooling at the thought of your presence. Surprises are such fun, aren't they?
7) Always wear tight clothing that restricts free movement. You don't wan to get away; you want the bogeyman to catch you, right?

And if you're ripe for the raging that results from a roaring ripoff, just follow these easy steps and you too can be a loser:
8) Leave your belongings unattended. Whoever steals them probably needs them more than you do, anyway.
9) Don't bother marking your valuables, including books, car stereo equipment, and car battery, with your name, social-security number or other identification. Otherwise, how can you achieve that overwhelming feeling of helplessness if you get your stolen stuff back?
10) When parking, leave your car doors and hood unlocked to make stealing from you a breeze. While you're at it, go ahead and leave your car keys in the ignition. Then a thief can take your whole car. Just think of the thrill of not having to fumble for your keys, and being alone a on a dark, little-traveled street.

If after following these steps, you do get pounded or robbed, don't call the Campus Police at 365-8271, extension 311, or 911 for other law-enforcement agencies. Just clean up the mess in your car and all over your body-that is, if either your car or your body still exists- and get on with your life.

After all, you got the tingling excitement you were lusting for, didn't you?

Warning: this essay contains Swiftian Analytical Logic Elements (SALEs).  Readers who are deficient in SALEs acumen may be offended. 
Reader indiscretion is not advised. 
This essay is for entertainment only. 
It has not been evaluated by any Federal agency, nor is it intended to diagnose, prevent, treat, or cure any condition.