There is a scourge upon this land of ours, a major threat to the American way of life, a most dangerous menace to the domestic tranquility of our beloved Republic. I am referring to the monumental struggle between the upright members of our communities and the degenerate drug fiends who wish to live their lives unfettered by the multitude of regulations essential to the imposition of an ordered society. Attempts to control the dope fiends have led, among other things, to the development to drug tests in order to detect them. The dope addicts have, in return, devised methods of camouflaging or even obliterating evidence of their habits.
Our wise and benevolent government, led by such upstanding leaders as Nancy Reagan and Edwin Meese, has proposed testing all Americans for drug use. But the courts have blocked efforts by the government to test at random, citing something called the Fourth and Fifth Amendments of the U S Constitution. So the all-knowing corporations, which are not bound by such constraints, must step in to make all Americans conform to the desires of our betters, in order for us to remain free from choice. Dope fiends and other subversives oppose efforts by the Establishment to test for drug use on the grounds that first, personal use of the job is no one’s business; second, drug screens are prone to false positives, up to 60% in some cases; and third drug screens indicate usage, but do not measure impairment. Of course, all right-thinking Americans understand that, first, no one has a right to privacy; second, in the war against free choice, some sacrifices are necessary, so if some people are mistakenly identified as drug users, they can take consolation in the fact that progress is being made in the fight to eradicate drug use, besides, anyone who test positive in a drug test is probably a subversive any way and should be terminated; and third, it does not matter whether a drug user is impaired or not, the important consideration is the use of drugs.
This report will list some of the drug tests available to drug testers. Then methods used to beat drug screens will be discussed.
Currently, catching drug users involves a drug screen, the first step of which is the collection of urine. If the collected sample tests positive, a comprehensive test is used to confirm the suspect’s usage of drugs. Generally, the drug screens are easier to beat than the comprehensive tests. If the sample tests negative, no additional test is done.
The various drug tests available to the guardians of decency and morality include different types of thin-layer chromatography (TLC), enzyme immunoassay (EIA), radioimmunoassay (RIA), and computer-assisted gas-chromatography/mass-spectrometry (GS/MS). The first two are more often used as drug screens, the latter two as comprehensive tests.
In order to avoid being caught, dope fiends may use various methods to circumvent the testing process. These include substitution, contamination, dilution, and cleansing.
Drug addicts may substitute clean urine for their own. This is very effective if the collection process is not closely monitored. Frequently, a subversive will use a collection bag, easily obtained at any medical supply source. The bag is hidden, sometimes under an armpit, where it can be squeezed at the right time, with the hose strategically positioned and secured in place. Underwear which will obscure the viewing of the collection of the sample is worn. The drug addicts will often practice using this method before taking the drug test. This method can be combated by surprise collection or by requiring the removal of clothing prior to sample collection.
A drug fiend may contaminate the sample after or even during collection. Sometimes, an acid or alkali will be added to the urine sample by means of a medicine dropper or hypodermic syringe. However, if the PH of the sample is checked prior to testing the contamination might become obvious. Another method of contamination is the addition of table salt. This method can cause the sample to register negative. An alternative method is to use a saline solution. Salt contamination is almost impossible to detect. Dope fiends have been caught when they added too much salt to their sample because the salt that does not dissolve sinks to the bottom of the collection vessel and becomes visible. Again, many experienced subversives practice prior to utilizing contamination methods.
Some dope fiends drink large quantities of liquids such as water, fruit juice, Kool-Aid, apple juice, vinegar, or alcoholic beverages. Water and fruit juices not only dilute the urine, they also acidify it to the point that the excretion of THC metabolites is reduced extensively. Vinegar also acidifies urine. In fact, some subversives will drink four to eight ounces daily. Large scale consumption of alcoholic beverages not only dilutes urine, but also allegedly cleanses the excretory system of all traces of outlawed substances. All of the above methods result in increased urine output. Additionally, the alcohol method causes many subversives to suffer liver and brain damage resulting from extensive alcohol consumption. Serves them right, too.
A few dope fiends use something called Golden Seal Root, available in many health food stores, themselves hotspots of subversion. A half teaspoon of this stuff is boiled in one pint of water. The dopers drink about a cup a day for a week, and then break for another week before repeating the process. Urine excreted by someone on this regimen will generally test negative for the presence of THC. Some users experience digestive or nervous upsets, or both.
As the war to replace freedom of choice with freedom from choice continues, more tests will be needed and developed. But drug fiends will be discovering methods to beat those tests. So, more reports will be written and made available. Until then, remember:
Decent Americans, Teach Every
Responsible American Patriotic Endeavors!
Warning: this essay contains Swiftian Analytical Logic Elements (SALEs). Readers who are deficient in SALEs acumen may be offended.
Reader indiscretion is not advised.
This essay is for entertainment only.
It has not been evaluated by any Federal agency, nor is it intended to diagnose, prevent, treat, or cure any condition.
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